Let's face it, the Phillies kind of stink. I mean, they don't full blown stink, but their style of play has been disheartening to say the least. The offense is particularly horrific. I've racked my brain for ways to quick fix this team right now. We cannot wait until next year. We have to get this fixed ASAP. Here's 5 phoolproof ways to fix the offense of our heroes.
I know what you're thinking, "You dope, steroids are illegal and they'll all get suspended." This is a valid arguement, however, the art of taking steroids has become very sophisticated. Plus, there's more than enough proof that they work. There are ways to take them and be virtually undetectable. One could potentially take steroids and not get caught unless you're extremely unlucky and get tested within 24 hours of taking them. In the words of Phillies legend and special vitamin enthusiast, Lenny Dykstra, "Whatever it takes, Dude."
2. A MONTAGE
The quickest way for anyone to get really good at anything in an extremely short amount of time is to endure a montage. Rocky did it multiple times. Team America did it too. You can get months of advanced training done in a matter of minutes.
3. ROPES COURSE
Whenever a team needs solidarity, they always go to ropes courses. I've participated in a few of these and I'm not sure why they work, but they just do. Trust circles and zip lines are powerful tools, yo.
4. SEND THEM BACK TO TEE-BALL
Give the Phillies the old Billy Madison treatment and make them go through the ranks all over again. Then they would have exactly 6 weeks to work their way back up to the Majors. This would give them a new found hunger and determination to prove that they are elite athletes. Plus, it would give the team plenty of time to evaluate minor league talent to see what they got.
5. RELOCATE THE FRANCHISE
Teams that relocate tend to play better. Remember that the Baltimore Ravens are actually the Cleveland Browns and they've won 2 Super Bowls. The Seattle Supersonics are now the Oklahoma City Thunder and they're probably the only team that can beat the Miami Heat for the NBA title. The Minnesota North Stars won a Stanley Cup after becoming the Dallas Stars. The Hartford Whalers won as the Carolina Hurricanes. Quebec Nordiques won 2 Cups as the Colorado Avalanche. Relocating a team simply works. Believe me, I'd probably jump off a bridge if the Phillies ever left but they'd probably win again. Actually, you know they'd win right away just to torture Philly.