Let's face it, the Phillies kind of stink. I mean, they don't full blown stink, but their style of play has been disheartening to say the least. The offense is particularly horrific. I've racked my brain for ways to quick fix this team right now. We cannot wait until next year. We have to get this fixed ASAP. Here's 5 phoolproof ways to fix the offense of our heroes.
I know what you're thinking, "You dope, steroids are illegal and they'll all get suspended." This is a valid arguement, however, the art of taking steroids has become very sophisticated. Plus, there's more than enough proof that they work. There are ways to take them and be virtually undetectable. One could potentially take steroids and not get caught unless you're extremely unlucky and get tested within 24 hours of taking them. In the words of Phillies legend and special vitamin enthusiast, Lenny Dykstra, "Whatever it takes, Dude."
2. A MONTAGE
The quickest way for anyone to get really good at anything in an extremely short amount of time is to endure a montage. Rocky did it multiple times. Team America did it too. You can get months of advanced training done in a matter of minutes.
3. ROPES COURSE
Whenever a team needs solidarity, they always go to ropes courses. I've participated in a few of these and I'm not sure why they work, but they just do. Trust circles and zip lines are powerful tools, yo.
4. SEND THEM BACK TO TEE-BALL
Give the Phillies the old Billy Madison treatment and make them go through the ranks all over again. Then they would have exactly 6 weeks to work their way back up to the Majors. This would give them a new found hunger and determination to prove that they are elite athletes. Plus, it would give the team plenty of time to evaluate minor league talent to see what they got.
5. RELOCATE THE FRANCHISE
Teams that relocate tend to play better. Remember that the Baltimore Ravens are actually the Cleveland Browns and they've won 2 Super Bowls. The Seattle Supersonics are now the Oklahoma City Thunder and they're probably the only team that can beat the Miami Heat for the NBA title. The Minnesota North Stars won a Stanley Cup after becoming the Dallas Stars. The Hartford Whalers won as the Carolina Hurricanes. Quebec Nordiques won 2 Cups as the Colorado Avalanche. Relocating a team simply works. Believe me, I'd probably jump off a bridge if the Phillies ever left but they'd probably win again. Actually, you know they'd win right away just to torture Philly.
Yesterday afternoon, The Pennsylvania Bureau of Liquor Enforcement patrolled the parking lots and concourse outside of Citizens Bank Park on an underage drinking crack down.
Investigators said several plainclothes and two uniformed officers patrolled the parking lots around the stadium between 4 p.m. and 9 p.m. as the Phillies played the Mets.
So unfortunate for those poor, innocent kids - right? Yeah right. If you're dumb enough to drink underage in public, you deserve to get caught. The LCB will continue to conduct these walthroughs at CBP throughout the season. So all of you kids who want to join the party - either fetch a fake ID or don't do it at all.
I guess this is the end of tailgate drinking outside Phillies games for me -I'm 19 by the way.
Erik Seybold is a writer for Philliedelphia.com. Follow him on Twitter @ErikSeyboldPHI.
The state of the Phillies and Roy Halladay is sad right now. How sad?
This sad. (Be sure to watch with sound)
(Video created using Vine, as well as way too much spare time. Follow Steve on Twitter - @GalloSays)
Nationals left-hander Gio Gonzalez had a fantastic season against Miami debut on Wednesday. While allowing two hits over six innings of scoreless ball, striking out five and walking two, Gonzalez also added a home run himself in the 3-0 win over the Marlins. Although he had a great game, it was what he said after the game that is the reason for this post.
After the game, Gonzalez spoke with Nationals broadcaster Bob Carpenter regarding his outing. It was what Gonzalez said that made everything go from awesome to awkward.
Carpenter: "How were you feeling with the hook on a night when it's tough to have a touch pitch like that?"
Gio: "It was definitely difficult, especially with this cold weather. It was tough to get a grip. I felt like I was making love to my hand. Just one of those things where I was constantly trying to find some grip some how, some way — the rosin bag, whatever, licking the fingers, but it felt good after that."
I would be a little cautious if I were making any sort of physical contact with Gonzalez, but that's just me. The part that makes this even funnier is that Nationals Park simulcast the interview over the ballpark loudspeakers, allowing fans (those who stuck around) to hear how Gio and his "mate" conspire.
What's even funnier is that neither of the Nats broadcasters caught the comment. It would have been funny if either responded, but then again maybe it's a good thing that they didn't.
Gio Gonzalez is scheduled to pitch against the Chicago White Sox on Tuesday. Until then, we should give him and his left hand some alone time. Hey - maybe we can all pitch in and get them a room.
Erik Seybold is The Senior Bloglord of Journalistic Activities at Philliedelphia. Follow him on Twitter.
Ah, finally, something positive came out of the GM Winter Meetings for all teams. And, may I add, it's about time someone took notice of this.
Yahoo! Sports' David Brown of Big League Stew came up with this list yesterday, and much to our dismay, Ruben Amaro, Jr. did not make it in the top ten. He may be extraordinarily smug and mighty bronze, but was unfortunately cut short.
To recap, Kevin Towers, GM of the Arizona Diamondbacks ranked as the sexiest General Manager in Major League Baseball. The complete order:
Now, I understand how this list could be ranked differently by, say, a woman, but, the fellas at Big League Stew gave this list a sublime order, so my hat goes off to them. Coming from a teen-aged girl, I would say that a few men on this list (Alex Anthopoulos, Jerry Dipoto, John Mozeliak) would rank a bit higher. Personal opinion. Whatever you're into, Big League Stew.
Ali Modami, who worked for the Phillies as the team's batting practice pitcher from 2007 through 2011, is suing the team and Ruben Amaro for allegedly defaming him and ruining his job prospects for future opportunity.
In a report by Philly.com, Modami is seeking a judgment in excess of $100,000. According to the suit, Amaro terminated him because the team wanted to go in a "different direction" and was attempting to "change up the hitting program". The suit also states that Modami had gotten positive repsonses with the Washington Nationals and Los Angeles Dodgers regarding a job opportunity, but apparently Amaro defamed him.
But both teams eventually rejected Modami, the suit claims, because Amaro told both teams' general managers that he was no longer with the Phillies because he was stealing and selling memorabilia, the suit states.
We probably won't hear about this anymore, but it's interesting to read.
To make things even more interesting, the one who apparently tipped off Modami about what Amaro allegedly said was Jayson Werth.
Drama, drama, drama. Of course, $100,000 is pocket change to the Phillies so if this does go to court a retribution payment wouldn't be a big deal. What most likely will happen is that this case will be thrown out because it'll turn into a "he said, he said" arguement.
The Phillies had no comment on this matter.
Sidenote: Our own Frank Klose bears a striking resemblance to Modami (or so I think - it's the goatee).
Is it just me, or does Frank (right) look like Modami (left)?
Follow Erik on Twitter @ErikSeyboldPHI.
I would have never expected this to happen.
After going 0-5 with three strike outs, Phillies second baseman Chase Utley was received with a round of boos.
The crowd is thinning here at Bright House Field as the game heads to extra innings, but a few of the fans that remained booed Chase Utley after Tampa Yankees lefty Rigaberto Arrebato struck him out to end the bottom of the ninth inning.
Arrebato got Utley to swing through an offspeed pitch and the boos followed.
Seriously? You're going to boo Chase Utley, one of the most popular Phillies in history? I'd expect that from John Bowker or Jason Michaels, but Chase Utley? C'mon that's uncalled for. It's his first live game since October, cut the man some slack.
Utley has 19 more games to rehab before he can come back with the big league team. If my calcuations are correct, he could be back with the Phillies as soon as July 3rd. The Phillies would be opening up a three game sets with the Mets in New York. Let's hope for all the best and don't ever boo Chase Utley again.
|"Uncle Charlie's Iced Tea"|