Philliedelphia

How to Recap a 2013 Phillies Game, 101

Every game is the same- "The offense struggled today, getting ____ (between 0 and 3) runs early, while the starter was great today. _______ (any of the 5 starters) was flawless through 5, giving up a (or a pair) of runs in the 6th inning, before giving away to _________ (Horst, Valdes, Durbin, Aumont), who promptly let ______ (other team) tie the game up on a walk and couple of hits. ___________ (one of the other pitchers, or Adams lately) came on in the 8th and surrendered __________ (insert horrible line here for their slop performance), giving _____ (other team) the lead. The Phillies then got runners on first and third with a chance to tie, but _____ was thrown out at home, and _____ (likely Howard, or any of the other 7 hitters) struck out to end the rally. Tough loss today!

Five Ways To Fix The Phillies Offense

Let's face it, the Phillies kind of stink.  I mean, they don't full blown stink, but their style of play has been disheartening to say the least.  The offense is particularly horrific.  I've racked my brain for ways to quick fix this team right now.  We cannot wait until next year.  We have to get this fixed ASAP.  Here's 5 phoolproof ways to fix the offense of our heroes.

1. STEROIDS

Stop taking them when your head gets Polanco sized.

I know what you're thinking, "You dope, steroids are illegal and they'll all get suspended."  This is a valid arguement, however, the art of taking steroids has become very sophisticated.  Plus, there's more than enough proof that they work.  There are ways to take them and be virtually undetectable.  One could potentially take steroids and not get caught unless you're extremely unlucky and get tested within 24 hours of taking them.  In the words of Phillies legend and special vitamin enthusiast, Lenny Dykstra, "Whatever it takes, Dude."

2. A MONTAGE

The quickest way for anyone to get really good at anything in an extremely short amount of time is to endure a montage.  Rocky did it multiple times.  Team America did it too.  You can get months of advanced training done in a matter of minutes.

 

3. ROPES COURSE

Whenever a team needs solidarity, they always go to ropes courses.  I've participated in a few of these and I'm not sure why they work, but they just do.  Trust circles and zip lines are powerful tools, yo.

 

Mrs. Phan has the good photoshopping computer. SMPhH.

 

4. SEND THEM BACK TO TEE-BALL

Give the Phillies the old Billy Madison treatment and make them go through the ranks all over again.  Then they would have exactly 6 weeks to work their way back up to the Majors.  This would give them a new found hunger and determination to prove that they are elite athletes.  Plus, it would give the team plenty of time to evaluate minor league talent to see what they got.

 

Rizzuto isn't a word!

 

5. RELOCATE THE FRANCHISE

Teams that relocate tend to play better.  Remember that the Baltimore Ravens are actually the Cleveland Browns and they've won 2 Super Bowls.  The Seattle Supersonics are now the Oklahoma City Thunder and they're probably the only team that can beat the Miami Heat for the NBA title.  The Minnesota North Stars won a Stanley Cup after becoming the Dallas Stars.  The Hartford Whalers won as the Carolina Hurricanes.  Quebec Nordiques won 2 Cups as the Colorado Avalanche.  Relocating a team simply works.  Believe me, I'd probably jump off a bridge if the Phillies ever left but they'd probably win again.  Actually, you know they'd win right away just to torture Philly.

 

The Hawaii Rainbow Phils!

 

Police Nabbed 61 Underage Drinkers Outside of Citizens Bank Park Yesterday

If you're not 21 and you're going to a Phillies game this season, don't drink...even in the parking lot.

Yesterday afternoon, The Pennsylvania Bureau of Liquor Enforcement patrolled the parking lots and concourse outside of Citizens Bank Park on an underage drinking crack down. 

Investigators said several plainclothes and two uniformed officers patrolled the parking lots around the stadium between 4 p.m. and 9 p.m. as the Phillies played the Mets.

So unfortunate for those poor, innocent kids - right? Yeah right. If you're dumb enough to drink underage in public, you deserve to get caught. The LCB will continue to conduct these walthroughs at CBP throughout the season. So all of you kids who want to join the party - either fetch a fake ID or don't do it at all.

I guess this is the end of tailgate drinking outside Phillies games for me  -I'm 19 by the way. 

Erik Seybold is a writer for Philliedelphia.com. Follow him on Twitter @ErikSeyboldPHI.

We'll always have the memories, Roy.

The state of the Phillies and Roy Halladay is sad right now. How sad? 

This sad.                        (Be sure to watch with sound)

 

(Video created using Vine, as well as way too much spare time.  Follow Steve on Twitter - @GalloSays)

Nats Pitcher Gio Gonzalez: 'I Felt Like I Was Making Love To My Hand'

Parents, hide your kid's eyes from this post...it's  a little over the edge of PG.

 

Nationals left-hander Gio Gonzalez had a fantastic season against Miami debut on Wednesday. While allowing two hits over six innings of scoreless ball, striking out five and walking two, Gonzalez also added a home run himself in the 3-0 win over the Marlins. Although he had a great game, it was what he said after the game that is the reason for this post.

After the game, Gonzalez spoke with Nationals broadcaster Bob Carpenter regarding his outing. It was what Gonzalez said that made everything go from awesome to awkward. 

Carpenter: "How were you feeling with the hook on a night when it's tough to have a touch pitch like that?"

Gio: "It was definitely difficult, especially with this cold weather. It was tough to get a grip. I felt like I was making love to my hand. Just one of those things where I was constantly trying to find some grip some how, some way — the rosin bag, whatever, licking the fingers, but it felt good after that."

Uhh....

I would be a little cautious if I were making any sort of physical contact with Gonzalez, but that's just me. The part that makes this even funnier is that Nationals Park simulcast the interview over the ballpark loudspeakers, allowing fans (those who stuck around) to hear how Gio and his "mate" conspire. 

Awkwarddddddd.

What's even funnier is that neither of the Nats broadcasters caught the comment. It would have been funny if either responded, but then again maybe it's a good thing that they didn't.

Gio Gonzalez is scheduled to pitch against the Chicago White Sox on Tuesday. Until then, we should give him and his left hand some alone time. Hey - maybe we can all pitch in and get them a room. 

Erik Seybold is The Senior Bloglord of Journalistic Activities at Philliedelphia. Follow him on Twitter.

 

 

Yahoo! Sports Ranks Sexiest GM's in Baseball, Amaro Ranks as Seventeenth

Ah, finally, something positive came out of the GM Winter Meetings for all teams. And, may I add, it's about time someone took notice of this.

Yahoo! Sports' David Brown of Big League Stew came up with this list yesterday, and much to our dismay, Ruben Amaro, Jr. did not make it in the top ten. He may be extraordinarily smug and mighty bronze, but was unfortunately cut short.

To recap, Kevin Towers, GM of the Arizona Diamondbacks ranked as the sexiest General Manager in Major League Baseball. The complete order:

1. Kevin Towers, Arizona Diamondbacks
2. Billy Beane, Oakland Athletics
3. Dayton Moore, Kansas City Royals
4. Brian Cashman, New York Yankees
5. Jed Hoyer, Chicago Cubs
6. Dave Dombrowski, Detroit Tigers
7. Ben Cherington, Boston Red Sox
8. Neal Huntington, Pittsburgh Pirates
9. Chris Antonetti, Cleveland Indians
10. Sandy Alderson, New York Mets
11. Josh Byrnes, San Diego Padres
12. Frank Wren, Atlanta Braves
13. Mike Rizzo, Washington Nationals (Side note: Fake sexy?)
14. Jon Daniels, Texas Rangers
15. Michael Hill, Miami Marlins
16. John Mozeliak, St. Louis Cardinals
17. Ruben Amaro, Philadelphia Phillies
18. Andrew Friedman, Tampa Bay Rays
19. Rick Hahn, Chicago White Sox
20. Jack Zduriencik, Seattle Mariners
21. Terry Ryan, Minnesota Twins
22. Walt Jocketty, Cincinnati Reds
23. Jeffrey Luhnow, Houston Astros
24. Jerry Dipoto, Los Angeles Angels
25. Doug Melvin, Milwaukee Brewers
26. Dan O'Dowd, Colorado Rockies
27. Brian Sabean, San Francisco Giants
28. Alex Anthopoulos, Toronto Blue Jays
29. Dan Duquette, Baltimore Orioles
30. Ned Colletti, Los Angeles Dodgers

Now, I understand how this list could be ranked differently by, say, a woman, but, the fellas at Big League Stew gave this list a sublime order, so my hat goes off to them. Coming from a teen-aged girl, I would say that a few men on this list (Alex Anthopoulos, Jerry Dipoto, John Mozeliak) would rank a bit higher. Personal opinion. Whatever you're into, Big League Stew. 

Former Phillies Batting Practice Pitcher Ali Modami Sues Team, Ruben Amaro Jr.

A former Phillie (well not really a Phillie, just a batting practice pitcher) is suing the organization he once worked for as well as suing GM Ruben Amaro Jr.

The claim?

Ali Modami, who worked for the Phillies as the team's batting practice pitcher from 2007 through 2011, is suing the team and Ruben Amaro for allegedly defaming him and ruining his job prospects for future opportunity.

Yeah.

In a report by Philly.com, Modami is seeking a judgment in excess of $100,000. According to the suit, Amaro terminated him because the team wanted to go in a "different direction" and was attempting to "change up the hitting program". The suit also states that Modami had gotten positive repsonses with the Washington Nationals and Los Angeles Dodgers regarding a job opportunity, but apparently Amaro defamed him. 

But both teams eventually rejected Modami, the suit claims, because Amaro told both teams' general managers that he was no longer with the Phillies because he was stealing and selling memorabilia, the suit states.

We probably won't hear about this anymore, but it's interesting to read.

To make things even more interesting, the one who apparently tipped off Modami about what Amaro allegedly said was Jayson Werth.

Drama, drama, drama. Of course, $100,000 is pocket change to the Phillies so if this does go to court a retribution payment wouldn't be a big deal. What most likely will happen is that this case will be thrown out because it'll turn into a "he said, he said" arguement.

The Phillies had no comment on this matter.

Sidenote: Our own Frank Klose bears a striking resemblance  to Modami (or so I think - it's the goatee).

Is it just me, or does Frank (right) look like Modami (left)?

Follow Erik on Twitter @ErikSeyboldPHI.

Wow: Chase Utley Booed In First Rehab Game

(Photo: Philliedelphia/Steve Trapani)

I would have never expected this to happen.

After going 0-5 with three strike outs, Phillies second baseman Chase Utley was received with a round of boos. 

The crowd is thinning here at Bright House Field as the game heads to extra innings, but a few of the fans that remained booed Chase Utley after Tampa Yankees lefty Rigaberto Arrebato struck him out to end the bottom of the ninth inning.

Arrebato got Utley to swing through an offspeed pitch and the boos followed.

                                                                                                                                                    - Philly.com            

Seriously? You're going to boo Chase Utley, one of the most popular Phillies in history? I'd expect that from John Bowker or Jason Michaels, but Chase Utley? C'mon that's uncalled for. It's his first live game since October, cut the man some slack. 

Utley has 19 more games to rehab before he can come back with the big league team. If my calcuations are correct, he could be back with the Phillies as soon as July 3rd. The Phillies would be opening up a three game sets with the Mets in New York. Let's hope for all the best and don't ever boo Chase Utley again.

 

Weekend at Bernie's? No. Nightmare on Inner Harbor? Probably.

In case you didn't already know this, the Phillies have lost six in a row, all at home.

So of course, facing the 32-25, first place Baltimore Orioles, while throwing Joe Blanton, is the way to fix it.

Honestly, if you're as disgusted as most fans, you may be wrestling with whether or not to even watch, especially when you consider the recent years pains known as inter league play, and that the Orioles usually play the Phillies pretty decent. It can't get worse, right? I mean the Dodgers just completed their first four game sweep of the Phillies in Philadelphia in 66 years! Of course not, Placido Polanco not only has a bad finger, but now he has a wrist injury that required a cortisone shot. Freddy Galvis had a battery of tests on his injured back, and we should find those out after the game. Yippee! I guess things can get worse.

Blanton is being followed by a guy one start removed from the DL (Worley), and a guy with no wins (Lee) this weekend, which should be enough to make anyone worried (though the second and third pitchers still inspire confidence in me). As this team tumbles further down (six back now, eight in the loss column), and people call for more immediate moves (like, calling up Dom Brown), it may be tough to cope. We've had it good the last few years. Every injury was temporary, and overcame easily, and the team just kept winning. If this team, which at times brings me back to the 1990's in my thoughts of the Phillies, is tough for you to bare, I have some advice for watching the game:

"Uncle Charlie's Iced Tea"

Don't worry gang- it's only six games- and we'll have Ryan and Chase back soon. Hopefully Brown hits his way to a call-up, and maybe we make one more move. I'd be thrilled with all of that, though I'm a skeptic at this point. Gotta maintain hope though- after five years of this team pulling it out, they earned a little more rope.

Pistachio Girl No Mo'?

"Ppppiiiiiiiiisssssttttttttaaaaaaccccchhhhhhiiiiiiooooooooooooooosssssssss!"

It's a familiar sound for regulars at Phillies games of the last few years- the pistachio girl coming into your section to sell you pistachios, with her distinctive call to attention for all potential buyers. Some call it funny. Some say it's annoying. Some love it. For me, it's a part of the games. I almost expect her to be there now.

So, Imagine the horror on Saturday when she came down the aisle in section 108 carrying..... frozen lemonades.  Aside from the fact that it doesn't sound the same as pistachios, it also means she's not pistachio girl anymore. This is a serious change to the games.

Pistachio girl explained to us that she is no longer selling pistachios because the vending company for them has broken off their deal with the Phillies. Yes, this means no one is walking around selling pistachios right now. The Phillies, apparently really valuing her service, decided to move her to selling the frozen lemonades. Is she now "Frozen Lemonade Girl?"

Check out some of Pistachio Girl's other work-