Philliedelphia

Pistachio Girl No Mo'?

"Ppppiiiiiiiiisssssttttttttaaaaaaccccchhhhhhiiiiiiooooooooooooooosssssssss!"

It's a familiar sound for regulars at Phillies games of the last few years- the pistachio girl coming into your section to sell you pistachios, with her distinctive call to attention for all potential buyers. Some call it funny. Some say it's annoying. Some love it. For me, it's a part of the games. I almost expect her to be there now.

So, Imagine the horror on Saturday when she came down the aisle in section 108 carrying..... frozen lemonades.  Aside from the fact that it doesn't sound the same as pistachios, it also means she's not pistachio girl anymore. This is a serious change to the games.

Pistachio girl explained to us that she is no longer selling pistachios because the vending company for them has broken off their deal with the Phillies. Yes, this means no one is walking around selling pistachios right now. The Phillies, apparently really valuing her service, decided to move her to selling the frozen lemonades. Is she now "Frozen Lemonade Girl?"

Check out some of Pistachio Girl's other work-

Roy Halladay On Jeopardy

On tonight's episode of Jeopardy a question regarding Phillies' ace Roy Halladay's perfect game and NLDS no-hitter was asked.

The question in the "I'm Gonna Hurl" category read as followed: In 2010 Roy Halladay of this team threw two no-hitters -- one in the regular season & one in the postseason". Sadly, Ken Jennings was not on the panel so he couldn't answer it. The even sadder part is that the first person to answer, contestant Bing, got it wrong. 

"Who are the Tigers?" his response.

 
Stick to your day job, Bing.

[H/T to @jjbuttons] 
(Video courtesy of @ryanlawrence21)

Cardinals' Carlos Beltran Pays For Mets RHP Jon Niese's Nose Job

Posted by Erik Seybold

As if being a pitcher for the New York Mets was bad enough, Jon Niese will now be known as the pitcher for the New York Mets who got a nose job, and had his former-teammate pay for it.

According to ESPN's Adam Rubin, Mets lefty Jon Niese underwent a rhinoplasty procedure in October. Now I don't poke fun at people due to the way they look, but this guy must have been chasing parked cars when he was a kid. Apparently, Niese originally underwent the procedure for cosmetic reasons, but he now says that the procedure actually helps him breathe better. 

Here's the better part. St. Louis Cardinal, and former-Met Carlos Beltran paid for the procedure. A cool $10,000 was the bill for Niese's surgery. Apparently Beltran offered to pay for it before he was traded to San Francisco in July, and is now paying up the dough for the bull. I don't know if it was a form of compensation or if Beltran is just a pretty nice guy.

Whatever the cause is, Jon Niese's schnoz has a little more shape to it, and he can breathe better - which is a good thing. He's still a Met, though.

Erik Seybold is a Contributor for Philliedelphia. You can follow him on Twitter @ErikSeyboldPHI.

The Phillies Are The Cast of The Walking Dead

Posted by Stephen Gallo

This past Sunday’s season finale of The Walking Dead was tremendous. It had plenty of zombie action, answered a lot of questions and set up what should be an exciting third season. After my second viewing, I noticed some similarities that some of the characters have with our Phils.

Roy Halladay is Rick. Our fearless leader. Like Rick, Roy isn’t the loudest character, but he gives you confidence just by his terrifying stare. The AMC cameras have never showed this, but I’m sure Rick wakes up before the sun every day to run steps, just like Doc.

Kyle Kendrick is Lori.  No one likes her. She hangs around Rick (Roy) way too much and every time she opens her mouth, you just get angry. They are exactly the same. Actually, I’m pretty sure Kyle and Lori are the same person.

Shane Victorino is Carl.

 

You can never find Carl. He’s constantly disappearing, especially at night and he doesn’t pay attention to what his parents tell him. He may have ADD. Shane goes wandering off the basepaths and often makes bonehead plays. He also has ADD. 

Vance Worley is Shane. They both have the look of a damn lunatic. However, they both mean well. Worley just wants to go out and protect the lead for his team. Shane wants to protect his stolen family from walkers and Rick.

Cole Hamels is Glenn. 

Glenn was one of the first main characters we ever met on the show, like Cole on this current team. Like Glenn, Cole is not very manly. Cole’s wife is attractive and was on Survivor, so she probably didn’t have many clean, good looking dudes to choose from. So, Cole was a no brainer for her once she got off the island. Glenn has a cute girlfriend named Maggie who settled on him since she's stuck in the middle of a zombie apocalypse.

Jonathan Papelbon is Maggie. Maggie is liked by pretty much everyone who watches the show, for now. She’s the hot new chick. Unlike most of the other characters, Maggie hasn’t done anything to piss us off. Same for Jonathan. Yet.

Chase Utley is Andrea. 

Andrea was left behind and the group was forced to go on without her. Will we ever see Andrea again? Probably. Do we know when? No. Will she be as strong of a character as she once was? We don’t know. See the similarities?

Hunter Pence is Beth. Who? Beth is Hershel's youngest daughter and is the sweet and innocent one of the group. We don’t know too much about her story. We don’t know much about Hunter other than he likes to eat. Season three will be our first full season with Beth, and 2012 will be our first full season with Hunter. 

Cliff Lee is Daryl.  Redneck and certified badass. He’s the new #2 to Rick now that Shane is out of the picture. He wields a crossbow and does it well.

Charlie Manuel is Hershel. Old? Check. Southern accent? Check. Replace Hershel’s shotgun with one of them there baseball bats and you’ll think Charlie stepped into your TV.

Carlos Ruiz is T-Dog.

Like T-Dog, Chooch doesn’t say much. However, sometimes he comes out of nowhere and says something profound (“My nicknang es Chooch”). He’s reliable and loyal to Rick, just like Chooch is to Roy.

Joe Blanton is Dale. 

Even when he was around, you knew he wouldn’t be around long. Same goes for Joe. Whether it’s by injury, trade, or freak zombie accident where his guts are torn right out via his belly button, Joe probably won’t be around much longer.

Dom Brown is every zombie. Like the zombies, Dom keeps coming back for more even though he’s obviously not wanted.  The speed and power of the zombies have been talked up for a while, but once you get one in front of you, they’re easily put down. Same goes for Dom. People are usually seen fleeing from both.

Ryan Howard is Otis. …..

 

Undeserving Domonic Brown Enters Hall of Fame

Posted by Mike Frohwirth

(Spoiler Alert: The following was originally posted on July 25, 2033, as part of BleacherReportPhilly's Hall of Fame Induction coverage. It may contain spoilers if read prior to that date.)

Domonic Brown

Former Phillies' outfielder Domonic Brown was enshrined in Major League Baseball's Hall of Fame today, as the once-proud institution continued to lower their standards for inclusion. The underachieving Brown spent all seventeen years of his MLB career in Philadelphia, as General Manager Ruben Amaro, Jr., and his successor, Scott Proefrock, repeatedly failed to cash in on the lazy rightfielder's plummeting trade value. Brown was an innocent bystander on twelve World Championship squads, as the selfish cleanup hitter reaped the benefits of a consistently strong surrounding cast.

Brown, who had notably poor baseball instincts, was best-known for his second-inning baserunning blunder in Game 4 of the 2016 World Series. Brown singled to start the inning, but was picked off first base by Blue Jays' starter Kyle Drabek, who took advantage of Brown's inattentiveness. (Replays indicated that the lackadaisical Brown should have been called safe, but a true gamer would never have put himself in that position to begin with.) Brown would later hit a pair of three-run homers in the game, his fourth and fifth of the Series, providing unnecessary offense in the Phillies' 13-1 sweep-clinching victory.

The overrated Brown made a career of fattening his statistics in meaningless situations. Brown frequently took advantage of his friendly home ballpark, hitting 212 of his 549 career homers at Citizens Bank Park. (Much to the chagrin of Phillies' fans, Brown finished his career atop the franchise's home run list, displacing the highly-popular Mike Schmidt, a true and exemplary Hall-of-Famer.) Brown collected three Triple Crowns, benefitting from poor and unlucky seasons by other, superior ballplayers, in addition to the advantage of never having to face the Phillies' dominant pitching staff. Excessively patient at the plate, the overpaid Brown paced the NL in walks eight times, despite being highly-compensated to actually contribute offensively. Brown always fared well in contemporary defensive metrics, but anyone who saw him play on a regular basis noticed his poor route-taking, his inaccurate arm, and his general apathy in the outfield.

Brown's Induction Speech was given by former Phillies' second-baseman Chase Utley. Utley, unlike Brown, is a true and exemplary Hall of Famer. Utley's speech wisely focused on Brown's actions outside the lines, including the highly-succesful Brown Foundation. BF managed to eradicate crime and illiteracy in the State of Pennsylvania, through little fault of the penurious Brown. Brown donated a mere 91% of his career earnings to the Foundation, while splurging on non-essentials for himself, such as his luxurious 800 sq. ft. home in Northeast Philadelphia's ritzy Holmesburg area.

Charlie Manuel, Master Tactician

Posted by Mike Frohwirth

(Spoiler Alert: The following is an excerpt from Digipedia, Version 5.0. It may contain spoilers, if read prior to December 31, 2061.)

 

Charlie Manuel, Master Tactician

Despite being the most successful manager in the history of his sport, Manuel was not always regarded as a great strategist. While his ability to manage his clubhouse was rarely called into question, his tactical moves were once frequently derided. In Manuel's early years as Phillies' Manager, though he was highly successful from a winning percentage standpoint, he was oft-criticized for questionable management of his pitching staff, as well as his inability to create properly-optimized lineups.

It wasn't until the middle of the Phillies' 2011 season (See also: 2011 Philadelphia Phillies, Baseball's Greatest Teams) that Manuel began to gain his reputation as one of baseball's greatest innovators. In a seemingly innocuous personnel move on June 23, 2011, relief pitcher Juan Perez was recalled from the Phillies' AAA Minor League affiliate at the time, the Lehigh Valley IronPigs (See also: Allentown Stoners.) In each of Perez' first three appearances, he faced only a single left-handed batter. Though loogification had been used throughout baseball for many years, Manuel had not previously embraced that particular tactic. When asked about his utilization of Perez, Manuel responded, "My job is to put my players in the best possible position to succeed. It's their job to win ballgames.", which would become the quote for which Manuel is most well-known (See also: Famous Quotations (MLB/ILB)). Loogification became a more widely accepted practice, as teams continued to imitate Manuel's successful deployment of a left-handed relief specialist, and became commonplace when active rosters were expanded to twenty-seven players (See MLB Rule changes (2019)).

Manuel's innovations continued throughout the World Championship 2011 season, and in the three one-hundred win seasons that followed. Early in his managing career, Manuel frequently allowed his starting pitchers to pitch deep into games, even if conventional leverage theories had dictated otherwise. He adapted his usage, beginning in the 2012 season, and is credited for extending the careers of Roy Halladay, Cliff Lee, and Cole Hamels (See also: Baseball Hall of Famers, List of).

Manuel also began to utilize an Alpha Reliever, using Ryan Madson during the highest leverage situations, rather than relegating his best reliever to endgame operations. The remainder of his bullpen pitched in defined roles, according to game leverage.

Manuel began to optimize his batting orders, including batting the pitcher in the eighth position, which served to maximize offensive production. Manuel realized the importance of the first two spots in the batting order, placing his two most effective offensive players atop the lineup.

Manuel's rotational defensive alignments, which included Shane Victorino (See also: Presidents of the United States) as a flex defender, changed the way the sport is played. Attempting to copy Manuel's success, his strategies were copied throughout all levels of baseball. Among current ILB franchises, only the St. Louis Cardinals and A.C. Milan play without a flex defender. The "Second Era" (2011-2023) of Charlie Manuel's managing career produced a winning percentage of .653, eight World Championships, and left a legacy of brilliant innovation.

The Phillies' Bench Construction: The Truth Revealed

Posted by Mike Frohwirth

The Minion's fist struck Phillies' General Manager Ruben Amaro, Jr. squarely in the mouth. The captive Amaro remained emotionless and unperturbed. "I'll never tell you our secrets.", Amaro stated dispassionately, directing a mixture of blood and broken teeth at his interrogator. Red Sox' General Manager Theo Epstein was similarly unmoved, lifting his left leg slightly to shake the shattered remains of Amaro's front teeth from the bottom of his khaki pants. "All I need to know is how many lights you see, Phillie.", Epstein responded flatly, "How many lights?"

***

"Ruben, this is a waste of time. We shouldn't be concerned about an event that has such a low probability of occurrence.", Phillies' Assistant General Manager Scott Proefrock argued. Proefrock had learned a great deal from these private meetings in Amaro's Citizens Bank Park office, and he suspected he might be in for yet another lesson.

Amaro pondered a response, as he sipped from his glass. "Cliff Lee's return was highly improbable, and we planned for that eventuality. The possible effects of this event certainly dwarf that, though I must admit that the probability is lower."

Proefrock grimaced, ignoring his own drink. "We've taken every possible precaution to ensure your safety. Ever since we hired (former reliever) Rudy Seanez as Head of Security, we haven't even had an attempt on your life. Well, I guess there was that thing the Mets tried to pull, but I would hardly classify that organization as a threat of any kind."

Amaro nodded. "Seanez has done a commendable job. Much better than he did the last time he worked for me. But I just like to be prepared."

Proefrock continued to ignore his drink. "Well, I've got the emergency protocols, and I know exactly what to do, if the time comes. Not that it ever will."

Amaro finished his drink. "Very well, then. With Spring Training now a month away, let's talk about how we will construct our ben..." Amaro felt his surroundings become blurry, then black, as he collapsed in his chair.

***

Amaro sat in the windowless room, secured to the chair where he had spent the last (seven? ten?) days. At first he had tried to keep track of the days, but his perception of time was now long lost. It required most of his remaining strength to simply remain conscious, a state in which he was spending a quickly diminishing amount of time. He fiddled with the ropes securing his wrists to the back of the chair. Freeing himself from the binds seemed hopeless, but at least it allowed his mind to focus on something. At least something rather than the pain cascading through his battered body.

"Good morning!", Epstein greeted Amaro, as he entered the room to continue the interrogation. "Or, good afternoon. Or, good evening. You're not really sure which salutation is apt, are you, Phillie?"

"Ruben Amaro, Jr. Sixteen home runs, one hundred RBIs", Amaro countered.

Epstein chuckled softly. "You know your feeble counting stats have no meaning here, Phillie. Make it easier on yourself, and answer the question. How many lights?"

Amaro sneered at Epstein, but did not respond. Epstein gestured to his muscular Minion, who immediately swung a Louisville Slugger bat, connecting violently with Amaro's kneecaps. The Phillies' GM howled in anguish.

Epstein laughed malevolently. "Do you know who that bat belons to, Phillie? Adrian Gonzalez. You may have heard of him. A lot cheaper than your Ryan Howard. Good fielder, too. We might play him in left field, during interleague play. And in the World Series, of course. What do you think would happen if you tried Howard in the outfield? He'd make Raul Ibanez look like a competent outfielder, I reckon." Epstein laughed again.

"Ruben Amaro, Jr. Sixteen home runs, one hundred RBIs", Amaro replied weakly, feeling the strength continue to drain from his body.

"Just answer the question, Phillie, and this will all be over.", Epstein promised. "Just tell me, how may lights do you see?"

Amaro answered with the rest of his strength, "There are..."

A quick flash blinded the room's occupants, and Amaro's vision was momentarily clouded, as smoke filled the room. Amaro could barely make out a maroon blur, which flashed around the room, making quick work of Amaro's captors. When the dust cleared, a muscular figure, dressed head-to-toe in maroon, stood above Amaro. The maroon ninja removed a knife that had been secreted within his attire, and raised it above Amaro's head.

Amaro winced in anticipation of a killing blow, almost welcoming the end of the torrent of pain. The maroon ninja deftly used the knife to free Amaro from the chair, and helped the now-fragile GM to his feet. The ninja removed his hood to reveal himself as... Phillies' pinch-hitter Ross Gload.

"I'm here to get you out of here, Mr. Amaro. But, first, you need to agree that, if I ever come to you with a request, it will be granted without question.", Gload informer his superior.

"Of course, of course.", Amaro replied weakly.

Neither noticed as Yankees General Manager Brian Cashman entered the room, approaching the pair from behind. Cashman raised his bat to swing... and collapsed awkwardly to the ground. Cashman flailed his arms, trying to remove the blow dart that had suddenly become lodged in his back, before the poisonous contents entered the prone Yankee's bloodstream. Cashman was unsuccessful, losing consciousness mere inches from Amaro.

A second maroon ninja entered the room, holding a blow gun in front of his small, athletic frame. "I want the same deal as Gload, Mr. Amaro.", utility infielder Michael Martinez demanded, as he removed the hood covering his face.

Ryan Madson Dreams of an All-Star Game Appearance

Posted by Mike Frohwirth

 

Earlier this week, Phillies closer Ryan Madson made an interesting comment about a possible All-Star Game selection:

"It would be a dream come true. It would probably beat going to the World Series, to be honest with you."

The Closer Mentality-possessing reliever is known for his jocular personality. This particular statement is pretty much too insane to be taken seriously. Additionally, recent studies indicate that, in approximately 74% of the instances in which it is used, the phrase "to be honest with you" follows (or precedes) a falsehood. All signs seem to indicate that Madson is joking here.

The signs, however, are wrong. Utilizing the myriad financial resources of the blog, particularly the clout afforded by many generous Tip Jar donations, we have been able to determine the truth. Our vast network of information-gatherers has managed to acquire the following list, which was briefly removed from Ryan Madson's locker at CBP. We are pleased to present it to you, in reverse order, for purposes of suspense:

 

"Ryan Madson's List of Dreams/Accomplishments", by Ryan Madson

10. Get past Soda Popinski in Punch-Out.

9. Punch every individual who claimed that I did not have a "closer's mentality" in the face, with my left hand.

8. Create my own signature sushi roll.

7. Play in the World Series.

6. Find a major network to buy my comedy pilot.

5. Perform "On the Rise" on the field at CBP, with Neil Patrick Harris.

4. Defeat Wilson Valdez at Guitar Hero.

3. Play in an All-Star Game.

2. Become a Featured Columnist for Bleacher Report.

1. Defeat Sarah (Madson) at Boggle.

It is currently unclear how many of these dreams have already become accomplishments. It is likely, however, that achieving #2 may be beyond even Madson's capabilities.

Ladies - Now Is Your Chance To Slide Your Hand Into Chase Utley

Posted by Philliebot

BEEP BEEP

If you're a female phan chances are you've been pining over Chase Utley for the better part of seven years now. You've been making vodoo dolls of Jen Utley, hoping that Chase would realize you two were meant to be together. You were probably devestated to here the she woman is with child. Well never fear, female phans, the forces that be have taken care of your deep, dark, unspoken desires.

Here he is...the Chase Utley Puppet!!

 

Picture courtsey of Bleacher Creatures-ya know so no one gets mad or anything

For the low, low price of $23.99 you can slide your hand up inside of Utley anytime you want. Considering the dirty girls I know that are Phils phans, this should read ALL the times you want. I'm sure this thing will be a hot seller down at CBP this Summer. Just remember it's a family ballpark. It's bad enough I have to deal with the gernades wearing too small Burrell sherseies, I don't want to hear them talking about fisting Utley's butt.

If you're not into Utley, never fear, Bleacher Creatures have you covered. There is a Roy Halladay hand puppet, so you can fist the best starter in all of baseball, or a Ryan Howard hand puppet if you like sexual DARK chocolate. If you're into the more kinky stuff, as I know some of my Twitter followers are, Bleacher Creatures have a Phanatic handpuppet too. I'm pretty sure, however, that messing around with the Phanatic is illegal in 48 states .

Check out the Bleacher Creatures site today to buy yours. Make sure it's in the bedside table with all your other toys.

BEEP BEEP

Sliding Into Home and Other Rule Changes Proposed by Giants G.M. Brian Sabean

Posted by Frank Klose; co-author Tony Galante

Courtesy nydailynews.com

The Giants' General Manager Brian Sabean is furious.  How dare Marlins' extra man Scott Cousins slide into home?

A couple days ago, Sabean talked about a possible rule change to Andrew Baggarly to spare catchers from being hit on plays to the plate:

[Sabean] said Giants manager Bruce Bochy was able to speak to MLB on-field operations chief Joe Torre today, and that the conversation will have to continue with managers and other field personnel because they understand the game best.

Well, it appears that they will be denied a rule change.   But here are several other rules that Brian Sabean hopes will be added to the record books.

1. First Basemen Should Be Allowed to Wear a Chest Protector, Shin Guards, and Face Mask

Let's face it, Buster Posey will never catch again.   But, Major League Baseball must be certain that Buster Posey never gets touched ever again.

To help protect Posey, Sabean proposes that once he converts to a first baseman he still be allowed to wear what is currently called catchers' gear.

2. Elminate all Outfield Walls so Nobody Runs Into Them

Remember back in high school when you had no choice to practice on fields that had no outfield wall?  And that line drive past the outfielder turned into a grand slam?

Well, be ready for more.  To save outfielders from hurting themselves when running into the wall, the new rule will lead to extra runs, but it is for good reason.

Courtesy mlb.com

Aaron Rowand would be most grateful.

3. Replace the Catcher With Inflatable One; Pitcher Can Step on Mound and Call the Runner Out

Courtesy toyparty.com

Since the Giants are already down one catcher, then why not eliminate the most dangerous position altogether?

I've played plenty of pickup games in my day, and sometimes we went without certain players to help fill out the field.   So, why not just eliminate the catcher?

Let's face it, players swing at everything these days, so it shouldn't be much of a problem.

The inflatable catcher has a clear strike zone, and it would help umpires more accurately call balls and strikes.

4.Replace Bench-Clearing Brawls With West Side Story-Like Dance Offs

Courtesy blippitt.com

Let's face it: Bench-clearing brawls are dangerous.  In fact, in the very brawl above Johnny Cueto kicked Jason LaRue in his head, and ended his major-league career.

The good news is that there is an alternative to such nasties.  Sabean proposes that all bench-clearing brawls be replaced with West Side Story-esque danceoffs.

The danceoffs would allow the players to blow off steam, and at the same time be equally entertaining to fans.  The only players that would get hurt are those who did not properly stretch before the game.

Courtesy latimes.com

 5. Make Batting Practice Pitcher Guard Permanent

Courtesy yourpostalblog.blogspot.com

has the luxury of a barrier between himself and the players on the field.  Why not the pitcher?

To avoid unnecessary injury to pitchers such as his stud Tim Lincecum, Sabean proposes that the pitcher's shield remain on the fieldat all times to protect pitchers.

Well, these are just some measures that will help protect players in the major leagues.  As long as his best player is injured, I am sure he will continue to come up with more.